Crack
by shadowblade-tara
Summary: A series of oneshots depicting Transformer life when a bunch of fun loving humans are involved. Read warnings in first chapter.
1. Annoyance

Disclaimer: Transformers © Hasbro. Not mine.

AN: This little series of one-shots has spawned from conversations my friends and I have had regarding the TF series. Due to our different preferences (one likes Autobots, one Decepticons, I don't care) I had to completely rework the series to make this little bit of insanity work. Please read the warnings, and whatever you do, don't try to find a plot. There isn't any.

Warnings: OOC-ness, OCs, severe AU (peace between Autobots and Decepticons), and all around crackishness. If there are any other warnings that pertain to a particular chapter, I'll post it up with the chapter itself.

**Annoyance**

Optimus Prime's life was full of annoyances, most of them coming in the form of his brother and co-ruler, Megatron. Megatron could be forgiven, though. After all, he was the youngest and therefore had every right to hassle his older brother. So Optimus could ignore those annoyances. Of course, being on base meant there were other annoyances as well – Prowl's constant reports, the Twins' jet judo (honestly, what was Megatron thinking letting them train with the Seekers?) – the list went on.

They weren't always annoying. Sometimes they were funny.

Like the humans who lived with the Transformers on base. They had been rescued from a dying, war-torn city as mere sparklings, and the Seekers had decided to keep them. The others had agreed. For the most part, they were amusing individuals that brightened up the otherwise dull life on the base and kept the Transformers on their toes.

Other times, they gave Optimus headaches.

"Optimus!" A small, blond girl barely in her twenties materialized in front of him. Blue eyes were wide with excitement and her cheeks were flushed. This would be Jess – the oldest of the humans. "Optimus you gotta see this it is so cool Jazz –"

"Sorry about that." Another girl, with wavy dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a much calmer disposition than her excitable sister, appeared behind Jess. Raven shot him an apologetic look. "Sunstreaker gave her Mountain Dew, and she escaped from Wheeljack's lab." She grabbed Jess's arm as the girl began to bounce as she babbled. Optimus pinched his nose plates in exasperation.

"When did Sunstreaker think that was a good idea?"

"About five hours ago." Raven started to drag Jess back the way they came. "I think Hook put him up to it. So me and Heather are going to go lock her up in Hook's medbay. Teach him a lesson he won't forget anytime soon." She continued to mutter under her breath as she dragged the hyperactive Jess towards the Decepticon section of the base.

Briefly, Optimus debated warning Hook about the sudden intruder, but then decided against it. After all, if that was the worst the girls did to him, he was getting off easy.

_Oh yes,_ he thought to himself as he returned to his patrol, _they can be so very annoying._

There was a sudden crash, and then Jess shot past him, laughing maniacally. "Can't catch me, Raven! I'm faster than you!"

"I'll only have to catch you once, because then I'm gonna KILL you!" Raven shouted after her. "Heather – head her off! She's heading for Ratchet!"

"Let her!" came the distant response. "It won't take him long to pin her aft to the floor!"

There was the sound of more scuffling, and then a series of curses that could only be coming from the Hatchet himself. Optimus just stood there, resisting the urge to burst out laughing. Megatron walked up to him and listened in. The scuffling finally settled down, only to be replaced by Jess's voice.

"You're supposed to be on my side!"

"Not when you enter my medbay on a sugar high." came the grumbled, barely understandable response. Megatron started to chuckle.

"Who gave Jess Mountain Dew?"

"Sunstreaker, apparently." Optimus sighed. This time Megatron laughed.

"Does he never learn? The last time that happened she challenged Skywarp to a sparring match."

Optimus shook his head. "Megatron – I love you to death, but I _don't want to know._"

"Okay – I'll have to show you the footage later."

He gave up. For the past fifteen years, there had not been an ounce of peace on his base.

And if he were honest with himself, he wouldn't have it any other way.


	2. Shooting Range

**Shooting Range**

John was probably the second-youngest human on the base, not that many people actually paid attention to that. He was also the tallest. And most clearly a redneck. Not that this really bothered the Transformers – unless, of course, John happened to be with Ironhide in the shooting range. That was usually when they got into my-gun-is-bigger-than-yours arguments that usually resulted in John running for his life across the base, laughing the entire time.

At the moment they were having a contest. Jazz and Rumble were judging, if only to keep a fight from breaking out. John lifted his shotgun and braced it against his shoulder. Three shots, one to the left of the bulls-eye, one just above that, and one to the right. Ironhide snorted. "Nice shots – if you're aiming behind the target."

"Oh, shut up. It's great grouping." John shot back, completely unfazed. "Besides, there's a wind. Let's see how well you do."

"On that target? I'd blow it away in one shot."

"Use your own, glitch-head!"

Ironhide laughed and shot off his own rounds from his plasma cannon. All three shots hit within centimeters of each other, and all three hit above the bulls-eye. Ironhide made a face while John laughed at him. John turned to the judges. "What y'all think? My game or his?"

Rumble glanced at Jazz. "You know, I could always make the targets disappear into the ground." he said hopefully. "Then they both lose."

"Yes, but then Ironhide will use you as a target." Jazz pointed out. "And you wouldn't survive one hit."

"Pit."

Before anyone could deliver a verdict, a small eighteen year old girl with dark hair cut military style walked up. Heather pulled her 9 mil from its holster, took careful aim, and fired three rounds into John's target. All three rounds hit the center of the bulls-eye, one right on top of the other. She lifted the gun and mimed blowing smoke from the barrel. Tossing a smirk at John, she calmly reholstered the weapon and walked off. John stared at her.

"It's not nice to show off!" he shouted.

"It ain't bragging if you can do it!" she shot back with a grin.

Jazz and Rumble exchanged looks before busting out into laughter. Ironhide and John glared at them. Jazz was doubled over, holding on to his knees while Rumble was braced against him to keep from falling down. Ironhide growled. "Just what the pit is so slagging funny?!"

"'Hide." Jazz gasped out. "You just got your _aft_ handed to you by a girl!"

/----/

An: Okay, I'm not sure if that's funny, or if I'm just tired. Either way, this one spawned from a comment John made about how well he would get along with Ironhide, since 'Hide is trigger-happy and John loves shotguns. This is what my exhausted mind came up with.


	3. Coast

**Coast**

Barricade never could quite understand what the thrill of hydroplaning was. He understood the humans' initial fear of it. It was dangerous and a human driver could quite quickly lose control of their vehicle. What he _really _didn't understand was why Heather enjoyed it so much. Or why she always chose him to take her out on the roads after a really bad storm. He could understand why she didn't choose one of the Autobots. They would never go for this.

"Wheee!"

Water sprayed across his windshield, and he could feel his tires lose contact with the blacktop. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened, but only for a moment. She wasn't actually driving, after all. "It's just water." he pointed out. "What's so fun about this?"

"You have no sense of adventure." Heather shot back with a grin.

"It's not like we're in any real danger." Barricade said, trying again to understand the point in this exercise.

Heather nodded. "I know. That's part of the fun. Kinda like watching the horror movies." Not that that made any more sense. Barricade still didn't understand the thrill of watching undead humans attack living humans, but then again, he didn't understand what was so amusing about half the Cybertronian films that Jazz and the others watched. He accepted it.

"So why me?"

They shot through another puddle as they rounded a curve before Heather answered. "Because Jazz and Sunstreaker won't do it, and you're the only one who can go as fast as they can." she said simply.

Barricade snorted. "I'm the only one who'll tolerate you." he translated. Heather grinned. Barricade sighed. "Prime and Megatron are going to have my aft if they find out about this."

"Don't worry." Heather said breezily. "I've got a plan."

"That's always a scary thought."

/-----/

Barricade had wondered how long they could get away with their little excursions. When he found himself summoned to Prime and Megatron's office, he knew. He walked in with a sigh, not surprised to find Heather already in there. She flashed him a smile and a wave, and Barricade couldn't help but smile back. To his amusement, Megatron's delight, and sometime's Optimus' chagrin, none of the humans were in the least bit intimidated by the Transformer leaders.

Optimus glared at them. "Just what gave you the bright idea to drive dangerously in these conditions?" he demanded.

Barricade shrugged. "She asked."

"And you obliged? Just like that? She's not like us, Barricade!"

At this point, with Megatron just about to step in (after all, Barricade was _his_ soldier) Heather spoke up. "Don't blame him. I blackmailed him."

Everyone froze. "Say what?" Megatron demanded, trying hard not to laugh.

Optimus studied her a moment. "Just what did you have against _Barricade_ that you managed to convince him of this?" he demanded.

Heather smiled. "That's the point of blackmail, Optimus." she teased. "He did what I asked, so I can't tell."

There was another moment's hesitation. Finally, Prime sighed. "Brig. Now. I'll let Prowl know how long." Heather nodded and calmly walked away. Megatron dismissed Barricade with a warning, thankfully holding in his laughter until the warrior was out of audio range. Optimus shot him a filthy look.

"Are you sure she's not one of yours?"


	4. Flying Low

**Flying Low**

Jess, for once, was not getting into trouble. For once, neither was Sunstreaker. They were both enjoying a peaceful drive in the country while waiting for Sideswipe and Raven to get back from patrol. Jess had only ever been on patrol once. That had not ended well. Optimus forbade her to go out again.

She hated being bored.

Jess reached out to adjust the radio, but her eyes were caught by the speedometer. "Holy pit, Sunny! Just how fast are you going?!"

Sunstreaker hesitated. "What do you mean?"

"You do realize there's a speed limit, right?"

" . . . Speed limit? But no one else is on the road."

"That doesn't really matter to the cops when you're flying low, dude." Jess couldn't help but laugh. No wonder Prowl was reluctant to let them take off together. Sunstreaker was a worse speed demon than she was, and that was saying something. "They'll still pull you over."

Sunstreaker couldn't exactly smile in alt form, but Jess was well aware of his wicked smirk as he picked up speed. "Only if they can catch us!" Jess squealed in delight and waved her hands in the air as if Sunstreaker was a convertible.

The sound of static came over the comm. links, and Sunstreaker groaned. "What do you want, 'Warp?" he demanded.

From overhead, Skywarp responded. "Sunstreaker, I think you're being followed."

"By who?"

"Either Prowl or Barricade. From this distance, I can't tell."

"Well, pit." Sunstreaker picked up the speed again. Jess laughed, wondering the entire time what Ratchet would do if Sunny's engine blew. Probably reformat him into a blender, knowing the cranky medic.

"Told ya." she said playfully.

"Oh, shut up."

/----/

The next day found Jess and Sunstreaker pulling guard duty. Speeding through a heavily populated city at speeds exceeding 200 mph just wasn't a smart idea. Especially with Prowl on their tails. Barricade might have let them get away with it, but Prowl had reported them to Optimus. Which was why Jess was standing out here, staring at the base with a scowl on her face, arms crossed over her chest. And she was counting down.

Because Skywarp had said he'd make up for the boredom. She was at 2365 and still waiting, slag it all. For a jet, he was incredibly slow. Just what the _pit_ was taking him so long?!

Someone announced Skywarp and Thundercracker coming in for a landing, and she briefly glanced in their direction. She had fully anticipated them to come in, land, and then Sky would come over and amuse her to keep her from getting too totally bored. Optimus wasn't stupid enough to let her get to that point.

She wasn't expecting them to come blazing through at top speed little more than two inches from the ground. She squealed as the two blasted past her, sending mechs scattering and cursing up a storm. She thought she could hear Frenzy's squealing involved in there somewhere, but with any luck Thunder or Sky hit him. The two Seekers took off again, circled back around, and came back in for a proper landing.

Thundercracker and Skywarp walked up to Jess with identical broad grins. "What'cha think?" Thunder asked with a chuckle. "Sky said you'd love that."

Jess was laughing by now. "What on earth possessed you to do that?" she demanded.

Sky grinned. "You said Sunstreaker was 'flying low'." he pointed out. "Now _that's_ what I call flying low!"


End file.
